Fear of the blank page

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some stage I lost that easy ability to draw. I used to draw a lot as a child, but find it hard to even start now.

It’s possibly always been a problem. I’ve always loved new stationery. Notebooks are almost a fetish for me. But there’s something perfect about a blank one and I feel like I’m defiling it when I first start writing in it. I was the same with my schoolbooks as a child.

What’s caused this?

In an attempt to see if I can get past this, I’ve bought a pad to draw in and am making myself doodle at least. To see if I can’t get past this need for everything be perfect. That’s the problem I think, that my expectations of quality far exceed my ability. So in order to not fail, it’s easiest to not even try.

But that’s not good enough. It’s time to start failing. Only then am I going to improve.